It has been two months since I packed my two bags and relocated to the United States. What a whirlwind of a journey.

I can't even begin to put thoughts to words to bytes.

Adapting to work

Every time we leave our job and join some place new, there's always time taken to adjust. When I first joined Thoughtworks, there was TWU and then the beach. There was 2-3 weeks of orientation but that didn't really prepare me well for the intensity that was coming my way.

The work challenged me in ways different from Thoughtworks. I had to use brain muscles I didn't know existed, had to be resourceful, had to care about things that I deemed "above my paygrade" (stuff that TLs in tw would worry about).

I thank Thoughtworks for inculcating the feedback culture and I think I've gotten more honest and straightforward feedback here than the whole time in Thoughtworks. Somehow I wear my emotions or my feelings on my sleeve and some critical feedback is just spot on.

For example, lacking confidence. No doubt there's always been a nagging, persistent voice saying you're not good enough, and such things cripple you. Granted I don't think about it daily but when things turn south or not go your way, it just re-validates that your inferiority complex. Hence, it makes sens that I want to seek validation, seek approval from people. And this behavior shows up in the work I present.

It shows lack of owernship, unable to fully own and defend your ideas, being swayed by some other person's opinion, even though you have the most context regarding this. Those are areas that I can work on, and by working on them, hopefully work on my personal growth and shape the person I want to become.

That became rather deep, too deep for this.

Independence

I'm 27 already, closing onto 3 decades of life on this planet, and it's only now that I think I've truly become more independent. Of course, stripping away your security net where family coddles you, friends validate you, you're left with just, you.

And that's the best that I can offer to myself at this junction of time. Me. A 100% of me. The clumsy, common sense lacking, lazy me. And what a journey it will be to see what I will become in a few months time.

I felt like I experienced so much in my 2 months here than in maybe 10-15 years in Singapore (ok cannot discount the many milestones there). For example, securing work administration (US Visa, Social Security) in order to continue existing as an alien here. Apartment hunting, finally choosing one, renting the place out, getting insurance, figuring out how to set up electric/gas/water/wifi, household cleaning, furniture purchase and assembly, moving to the new unit. Really grateful to my parents for handling the move from Lor K and shame that I didn't do much to lessen their burden. Moving is no joke!

Cooking has been a really fun experience for me. Buying my utensils, set of cooking equipment ranging from pots, pans, spatulas, steamer, bowls, to purchasing frozen foods, dried foods, fresh produce. I've resorted to meal planning for the week to ensure food in the fridge don't go bad. There has been non-zero times where the food did not land very well in my tummy.. Another reason why I love cooking is because I get to be creative, I get to do whatever the shit I want. I wanted to make Vongole pasta and today I just went to WholeFoods to get a bottle of white wine. I definitely wouldn't have done that in Singapore and I love how free that felt.

I don't cook to please people, I cook for myself. There's no stress in this not being great or having to care about the repurcussions of my actions. I just do what I want and I have myself to judge for it. And I love how liberating that feels.

I'm not a genius

When it comes to life, I realise, painfully and humbly that I suck at it. I remember the time I had to ask ChatGPT how I should set up Internet in my place, can I just buy a random router off Amazon? Turns out it has to do with specific ISP in my area. How was I supposed to know that? Oops. My ignorance is showing and it has leaked through every pore in me. So there, I have nothing left to be embarrassed about.

I'm grateful to have co-workers and friends who have been through it so I don't have to be the first to experience it. I'm so glad home is just a phone call away so I can badger them about recipes and how much salt I should add. They've been patient with my ignorance and that's such a great quality in people that I've not appreciated before.

ChatGPT is really your good friend here.

Pain is inevitable, Suffering is Optional

I put myself here, so I suffer the consequences.

I miss home. I miss the relationships. I think about people in Singapore going through moments in their life, laughing about topics I can't be privy firsthand to, having a shared meal, doing mundane things like watching tv. I miss my grandparents and seeing how they are in their ripe old age and doing their best for us.

I miss coming home to warm noises. To the sounds of the wok clashing. To the smell of pork soup. I miss chatter.

I'll take this suffering and look forward to heading back at the end of the year. Until then, I need to put in effort to make sure these bridges are still in tact, mending and maintaining them.

Closing off

It's nice to put down some words. And some experiences that flood my mind. Will try to write more often!